****Disclaimer**** Shocking Post....Not for Children....

Ok so the other night Chad and I are lying in bed, we were watching HBO and the show "Cathouse" came on. For those of you not familiar with it its about the Bunny ranch out in Nevada, ya know the "working" girls house..... Any who's they showed this mother and son come in and I was all what's this? WTF.... Right? Well apparently the mother was bringing her 22 year old son who is also a virgin in to pay for he's first time, so that he, and again this is her saying this, would be less nervous and that he's first time would be better with someone that really knew what she is doing. Oh believe me... This is the place to go for that, all these girls are aware of there so called "talent" if you will!!! So I was like oh ok but why did she actually have to come with him, I mean the situation is bazaar enough without her actually escorting him here, I me if that's what she wanted to do for him couldn't she just had given him the cash in a card or something??

So there in the room with the girl he picked out, yes ... Mother and son.... For the negotiations. See they decide on with the girl what kind of "party" they want... Basically what they want to do. Decide on the price and then the front office lady is intercomed and she comes to the room and collects the money....By the way the front office lady's name is Madame Suzzette..... Thought you might get a kick out of that....... Any way the whole time the negotiation is going on the girl is straddling him talking with him about what he has in mind and about the fact he's a virgin and she'll be gentle...yada yada yada.... This entire time do you know were the mom is? On the end on the bed sitting down joining in on the conversation!!! My God women it's not he's freakin Bar Mitsvah!!! I looked at Chad and was all, "Is she gonna leave??" This is just messed up man!! So the girl sets her price for the deed, which will be for an hour, at a thousand dollars...... That's right... A thousand smackaroos people!!!!

So after Madame Suzzette comes and collects the money the mom finally leaves.. Thank God... Cause that just would of been gross, grosser than this already was! So afterwards they're out in the bar area of the Bunny Ranch interviewing him about how it went and all.... And he's talking about it.... And of course he's good ole mommy is right there!!! The kicker in all this??? The interview after wards was the first time you really got to hear the son speak, audibly, that is. He started talking about he's experience and all, and I looked at Chad and we started laughing... Why? Because the son, for real, talked like he was a little light in the loafers if ya get my drift...... I told Chad, "he's problem wasn't that he's a Virgin or that he has a messed up family, its that he's gay and doesn't know it, or he does and doesn't know how to tell good ole mom there!!!!" I'm just sayin........ It was so disturbing on so many levels.....
That's messed up right? Please feel free to comment, I mean maybe I'm missing something here, maybe this is all normal in other parts of the world or something.... All I know is it sure as Hell isn't normal where I come from, I mean you don't even "Talk" about sex infront of you parents. Let alone have them pay for it!!!!!

Happy HNT.......

My little nekkid dudes..... HHNT from Levi and Carter.......
I just really like this picture.... I also really covet this tushi...lol...... Maybe someday my booty will look this good!!

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday everyone!!! Peace ********

Can We Say Spoiled?...... Anyone??

Spoiled much? My mom and dad got this "indoor playground" for the boys so they could climb and slide and generally have a good ole time. So I thought I'd share with you all their reaction the next morning when they saw it. Can we say old pros? They knew exactly what to do...... Smart little shits, as Chad would call them!!! And oh yeah they move that thing all over the living room to help them reach things...... Nothing is safe in there now, including myself!!! HELP.........

How Much??...............

Ok so I was reading in my newsweek about how much ExxonMobil paid it's departing CEO, Lee Raymond, They 48.5 million, however that doesn't include the 21.2 million that he got for cashing in stock options, or the 3.1 million of dividends that he got on restricted stock that he owns. And it doesn't include he's retirement package, which is worth at least 250 million!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe that? That is what's wrong with America...... That's more money than some countries have!!! Meanwhile there's Americans out in the "real world" that are struggling to keep the roof over their children's head!! It's just not right.... That's all I'm sayin.....

On another note Levi's blood levels came in and they're starting to come up a little so the Dr. Wants us to hang tight, and see what the CT scan reads on the 8th and then if its still bad go to the infectious disease doctor..... We don't know about Carter's they weren't in yet, but I'm sure they'll show the same thing. So that's the update on them...Yeah!! It looks like we are on track.....

In other news I've started not only selling on eBay but now I've added to selling on Amazon.... I'm a gluten for punishment! It's really a lot of work, last night I had 12 items to pack up type up labels and confirm pick up!! But its helping with all the medical bills. Even with insurance the bills are insane, copays for an office visit alone are 60$!! That's what else is wrong with America, but that's a whole other grip and story!! So I've listed all our books, CD's and DVD's that we just had sitting around... So if you'd like to donate to the cause let me know..... Hey you could "spring clean" and get rid of shit if nothing else!! LOL.......

that's all for now............. Peace~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Night Away from the Stress***** Yeah!!!!!

*****Any misspelling in the above, you all will just have to deal with, I couldn't figure out how to go back and correct once I fixed the picture.... Someday I'll be more of a computer geek!!********

No Apologies...........

Sorry I don't want to be broken

Sorry I speak the truth

Sorry I set my soul free

Sorry I stood up for myself

Sorry I know who I am

Sorry I have a mind of my own

Sorry I do what's best for my children

Sorry I love others more than myself

Sorry I don't let others walk on me

Sorry I choose happiness over money and status

Sorry I don't care what others think of me

Sorry I won't let you make me feel bad about myself

Sorry I'm not sorry at all

Sorry I won't let you break me anymore...................

Sorry? Naw, that's just who I am.



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Amazing no? Its raw and emotional and I love it..... And just to head off all the questions ahead of time... No its not me.... Enjoy!!

PEOPLE...........

I'm really trying not to let them bother me, really I am, but its getting hard. I'm tired of self centered people who always spit vinum but of course at the same time come off as sweet as candy. I bent over backward for people always giving of my time my listening ear, and what do I get in return? Walked over!!! Well I have finally had enough!! I'm not going to sit there and not say anything anymore just cause "we don't want to ruffle any feathers", NO they can say what ever they want to me and they don't care, so why should I have to censor myself??? I'm done with it all!! And the worst part of all this is.... It's family that's doing it!!!! Well am telling you today that from this point on I'm starting a revolution, I'm standing up to it and I'm not going to just roll over and take it anymore!! I'm not goning to be silent any longer!!!

I Think I'm Ready Now......

Ok so I think I'm ready to update you all the best I can with what we found out at the hospital yesterday. First off let me thank you all for the support and the thoughts sent our way we really appreciate it. Ok here go........... First off Carter does NOT have CF!! We're assuming that Levi doesn't as well however they couldn't get enough sweet from him to get a reading so he might have to repeat it. Next we went and saw their immunologist, Dr. Kishore, and he told us what we're looking at..... Basically their blood isn't produces enough antibodies to sustain their immune systems, some kids who have this condition are a systematic and then there are others like our little dudes that have problems. So he said first we need to retake the blood and make sure levels aren't dropping any further cause that could be a whole other issue, but it they are the same low number as before he thinks we need to start antibody replacement therapy, which is a three hour IV treatment where they give them antibodies from donor blood, this would take place about once a month. Not fun.... Next he said that he would like to repeat Levi's CT scan after this last round of antibiotics to see if we've gotten anywhere with cleaning out he's sinuses. If not then we have to take him to their infection disease doctor and he said he'd probably admit him and do IV antibiotics and if that didn't work then he'd have to under go a complicated sinus surgery more than likely at Cleveland Clinic. Phew... I know we got a lot of info yesterday!! So I have to take them back within the next week and have their blood drawn again, schedule CT scans, and of course wait........ Once he makes sure the levels aren't dropping any then we'll probably have to go ahead with the replacement therapy..... I would just like to know how you keep 22 month old babies from pulling the IV out of their arm for three hours!!! And we have to do this once a month? AGGHH.... I'm already tired just thinking about it!! He also told us that we really have to watch where we take them, not to go out in public a lot, not to have them around other kids and so forth..... He said if their levels don't start coming up then we may be dealing with a primary condition which they will not grown out of and is life long...... I pray for their sake it isn't.... They already miss out on so much.

So that's basically the low down, I'll keep ya all posted as we start going through all this......

They're Baaacckk...............

Ok so you all should know that I LOVE the Dixie Chicks!!! Yes I know that may come as sort of a shock to some, cause generally as a rule i'm not a big fan of country music, but my Chicks are my peeps so to speak! I'm so excited that they're new album is due for release in a month, May 23rd. I'm so there man. I admire they're strength in standing by what they believe and not backing down, hence why I was getting goose bumps when I heard they're first single off of the new album. Its great. You can hear it as well by going to their website www.dixiechicks.com it will start to play as soon as the page comes up!! I would in honor and homage to them also like to post the lyrics to the single as well..... It's entitled "Not ready to make nice"..................

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

All I can say is Preach it girls!!!!!

The boys had their doctor appointment and CF testing yeasterday at Akron Children's. We got alot of information and some scary, and alot to process at once so I will post all about it in the next post, I'm still processing........... Peace all...........

Had A Little Inspiration........

I had a little inspiration to share something with you all today from one of my new blogger friends. I was reading Trojan's post earlier today and it got me thinking about a poem a wrote in high school. It's not like Pulitzer material or anything, but at the time I wrote it I was going through some body image shit that was and is a long road for me......

" Portrait of a Beauty"

Wild hair and painted faces.

Wirery bodies wasted away to nothing.

Drugs devouring their flesh and souls.

Teeth stained with yellow tar.

Walking with the confidence of a star.

People stare and gawk, For this is Beauty...............


To all the young girls out there, remember its the size of your heart not your dress, that matters....... And what all those really skinny waif like girls in Hollywood really need is a sandwich..... Or twelve!!!

Lost shoes........

So in the last few days while running errands I have seen one shoe lying on the middle of the highway several times. Where's it's mate, and more importantly, how does one go about losing A shoe in the middle of the highway? They weren't dirty old shoes either, they were relatively new looking. It just disturbed me.... I have never been in a situation were losing a shoe out of the car on on the highway was even a possibility. I guess I just really want to know how one does that. Then I can stop thinking about it........... Cause I'm pretty sure that if I, by some freak incident, lost one of my beloved shoes out of the car onto the highway..... (see why I don;t get how it happens? It's such a big feat to accomplish).....I'm going back for it!!! I'm just saying that's my shoe man....."My Shoe!!!" ---- if any of you get what that line is from ie "My shoe" then you are totally cool!!

Do we even have logic?.......

Ok so I got to thinking today how even our US government does not have logic, hear me out if you will...... Ok first thing that is backwards in my opinion, Homosexuals can not get married in the Untied States, however the can legally adopt a child together, is that not backwards and if you say its legal for them to adopt together than how can you then turn around and say its illegal to get married? Though I'm not siding either way I'm being Switzerland on this topic because the last time I voiced my opinion on it it cause a big ole ruffling of feathers!!

Next on the discussion block is the separation of church and state..... How can you say that because of the constitution we must take prayer out of public schools and all and teach evolution because you can't mix church and state, but then give all the religious holidays off and observe them as federal holidays?? This is just very confusing to me..... If the government has to separate church and state then Christmas should not be a federally observed holiday, though I'd be pissed if I had to work on Christmas, I'm just trying to make a point here people. And the point is that it seems to me that at times, our Government has no logic..... Or at the very least talks itself in circles.

As in the laws surrounding abortion..... If persay you kill a women who is pregnant, you are now going to be persecuted for two murders, the killing of the women and the killing of the unborn child. However you can kill an unborn child via abortion and nothing happens to you that's not a crime because its "just a fetus". Ok how can you view it as a fetus in one instance and an unborn child in another? I will voice my opinion on this one.... In both instances it's murder!! Gee wonder how I really feel about that one?? Anyone.... Anyone??

Just a few things I got to thinking about today.....What do you all think?

Stripped...........

I'm tired of always feeling that I have to make apologies for the things I say or how I feel, thats just me, that's who I am..... I should be able to express my self... No apologies....

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For Real..........

Ok for real I can't take much more stress and worries man!! Dr. Casper called first thing this morning just as she said she would and we discussed a plan of attack which to my utter heart stopping includes a test for Cystic Fibrosis. She said she would like to have them tested to be safe, they have some of the warning signs and she would just like to make sure that's not what we are dealing with. My heart for real jumped a beat.... Can't we ever catch a break? So they go up to Akron children's on Monday to have that done, and to see their allergist/immunologist Dr. Kishore. Man I wonder if Locks of Love takes grey hair?? I should probably check into that!!!

I also heard yesterday that the company that makes my contact solution has stopped shipment of it to stores because of an increased report of a certain eye fungus among its users...... Well ain't that just kick ya in the ass fantastic?? Just what I need an eye fungus!! I'm off today to get a different brand.... Again, For Real............

that's the update today.... More later....... Peace and chicken grease!!

The Venting.........

I can't take it I tell you!! I am stressed out enough about Levi and what it all means with out the stress of people not listening hangin over it as well. See they all want to give advice and tell stories about their cousins cousins' daughter's boy who had the same symptoms... All of which aren't what Levi is doing!! They don't take the time to listen and learn about what is really going on but still somehow feel qualified to tell you what to do about it!! I can't take it anymore!!! The worst? When they tell me something they heard from someone else that I already told them myself!!! Of course its all news to them because they weren't listening. Oh wait... It's my fault really cause I forgot that I was invisible and that I know nothing about my children. I mean come on now... I only spend all day and all night with them seven days a week.... But what do I know? I guess the doctors forgot to tell me when I gave birth I'd also become invisible as well...... Agggghhhh.... I'm just tired of it all and its really buggin at me hard now cause I'm extra stressed. .... Phew.... I feel better!! Just had to vent a little there...... Thanks.....

Chad had an interview this morning so pray he gets it. Its a great posistion and would mean more stability and more time with me and the boys, therefore making it easier for him to train. He has a competition comming up in early May. I'm soooo excited for him!! He trains in Jiu Jitsu, just to feel you in there...... Pray he gets the job he's actually really wanting it and would really be good at it!

Dr. Casper is to call me tomorrow with a plan on what to do next with Levi.... So I will keep you all updated!!

Peace~~~~~~~~~~

Winter... Sister Hazel....

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The Check Point..........

Well I thought I would update you all on my life.... I know I know It's just sooo exciting it should be a reality show, I'm telling ya!! So anywhos... Friday was Levi's ENT appointment and man was that fun....For real the bastard Doctor blew us completely off. He acted as if he was annoyed we we're even there, and that there was a 21 monther in he's precious office!! He was rude he's staff was rude, for the love he hardly even looked in Levi's nose!!! It was a waste of my time and money! I came straight home and put a call into he's peds doctor.... She's to call me today after the office closes cause she wasn't in on Friday. I was so pissed off though!! All he did was give him yet another antibiotic to take as maintenance! I was not comfortable with that at all and He's peds office was really surprised at that as well. So we're not sure what our next step is though Dr. Casper, that's he ped, had mentioned Cleveland Clinic before. So that might be our next trip. That and if blood count is still off, their immune systems never matured, we're also off to an immunologist. Oh fun, Oh joy<<<>

In other news: I finally found something I can do to help others. I've been wanting to get involved with a charity of some kind for quite some time now, However the demands on my time, finances, and energy are strong. But I finally found something I can do!! Lock of Love!! It wont take any extra time no money, which is good cause I don't have any, and almost no energy. For those who aren't familiar with the organization.... You grow out your hair, then cut it and send it in to them and they make wigs out of it for children going through chemo radiation or who have diseases that take away all their hair. Its really a good cause. Sounds easy enough right? Well you might not know this but I change my hair alot!! So restaining from cutting it till I have at least 10 inches to send in, that's the minimum, is going to be hard for me. But its good it will give me something to work for and feel good I accomplished when I send it in, and help a little kido feel good about themselves..... I'm really commented to this!! Check them out.... There's a link at the right......
This evening is my doctor appointment with my neurologist, so I'm off to put a shirt on that doesn't have mushed up "abc" pretzels on it, courtesy of little Levi..... Thanks Buddy!!!

Awareness Is Power........

1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. 1 in4!! The NCADV (linked at right) takes donations of old cell phones to help women in abusive relationships please donate if you can. I came acrossed a poem a wrote several years ago when I was fresh out of high school and working at a bank. The girl I worked with and I became pretty good friends, and she was telling me of the abusive relationship she left. She moved from Alabama to Ohio, where her mother is, when he finally broke the last straw. He threw her against the wall while her son looked on, that was it for her. She left and never looked back. She is easily one of the strongest women I know today. So I thought I'd share the poem with you all. Now a personal note: I have NEVER shared my poems with anyone, let alone post them somewhere, so be gentle. Though I due value honesty.........

Abused

I feel so ashamed
I feel I'm to blame.
It's easier to take the insults
Than to believe it's not my fault.
My friends tell me to leave
But I don't know who to believe.
I'm too scared to leave
He'll think he's been deceived.
But I'm to frightened to stay
For with pain I'll have to pay.
He said he'd never hurt me
And yet I'm on my knees.
I've heard so many lies
My eyes are swollen, but not from my cries.
Even when I'm alone
I can hear him bruise my bones.
I pray to my Lord everyday
That he'll take my pain away.
I pray he'll wrap me in he's arms
And save me from all harm.


Peace all.......

Here it is Mos let me know what ya think...... Peace~~

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The Connection......

What It's Done For Me......

I was thinking today that I remember when I didn't even know what a blog was, and then when I did didn't know why anyone would want to do one. But I started one and I've never been so glad I started something in my life. This has given me an outlet to vent, to express myself and my views, and to just be myself....No apologies. I've always had this feeling that besides my husband noone knew the real me, or that I always had to hide who I was. It's a hard feeling and one I had trouble dealing with. But this blog has helped me to feel like I'm getting the "real me" out there. I'm sure to some of you the things I say and post about are shocking, but hey its always been me you just didn't know it..... So I thank this blog generation for existing, for its help me in many many ways.

And for your viewing pleasure some more of my sisters art work. This is a painting done with mixed media entitled "Map of The World". Enjoy.

Peace all~~~~~~~

Hello From Levi and Carter........

Levi and Carter playing peek-a-boo..Levi's pulling the blanket off of Carter......
Carter showing mommy how he "swims"..... Levi clapping for brother.......
Carter watching Levi blow bubbles in the water after teaching him how its done.......Too cute!!
Carter "The Ham"
Levi "The Serious" one, but look at those dimples!!!

So there's the boys.... Too cute...Too big!! Time just goes by soooo fast......

Peace~~~~~~~~

Uhhh....OOWW.......

Ok so last night I burned the shit out of my hand!!! My right hand to boot...I'm right handed... I burned it on a cookie sheet taking taco shells out of the oven, on the inside of the palm on the bottom. I have two big imprints of the edge of the cookie sheet. I'll have to think of a rockin story to tell the boys when they're older how I got the scar. Something to the effect of "I got it while shark fishing in the deep Atlantic". Ya gotta have a cool story not some lame cookie sheet one!! So now I have this big piece of gauze over my hand...Real attractive!!

Switching subjects.......

Ok I do not understand the cult like following of 80"s hairbands.... Background info.... See Chad and I are 7 years apart. So when he graduated high school I was like in the sixth grade. Not a big deal now, however we grew up on different music and movies. So back to the hair band thing..... He loves 80's hairbands and reveres them as "classics"... I just don't get it. That and the "Prince" following. He has that one too left over from the 80's!! Agghh I just can't take it. He's always like "See what ya missed out on?" Ummm yeah no. So when VH1 does that 100 greatest hairbands countdown thing he always has to watch it..... It's torture. I grew up (I'm still growing up) in the alternative movement and of course the whole Britney phase during highschool which I deny ever getting caught up in....... Just a little bit of a generation gap there!!

So I was reading this morning in one of my magazines that experts have found more of a risk of blood clots in relation to the use of the birth control patch. Don't ya just love when they come out with information like that after its already on the market, and thousands of women use it? Isn't that what all those test and trials are for the FDA??? Apparently it has like 60% more estrogen than the pill increasing the risk of bloodclots, strokes, and heart attacks..... Great thanks for that information!! I'm sure that put the minds of all the women who use it at ease!!!

Switch again......

I took some really cute pictures of the twins getting their bath last night I'll try and post them later..... They're just growing way too fast.... Where does the time go?

Peace~~~~

Movies, News, and Babies................

So on Sunday I watched a really good movie...Now I know its an old one but with twins I don't get to see movies very often, but thanks to a free showtime preview weekend I got to see it. What was the movie you ask? CRASH...... It was sooo good I can't stop thinking about it! It was one of those movies that I was talking to the screen, like what I said was really gonna change anything! For example when the little girl ran out to help her daddy and the middle eastern guy was getting ready to shoot him. I was yelling at the girl to stop! I know, I know Chad always thinks its funny when I "talk" to the TV. It was just a really good movie. And its really hard for me to sit through and get interested in movies. A little ADD thing I guess. I thoroughly enjoyed this one though.

I'm sitting here posting this as I listen to the boys screaming in the other room. They've been down for a nap for a whole 40 minutes....It is not time to get up yet!!! Momma needs more alone time!! Please babies........
OOhh wait I think they my have stopped!!! Here's hoping........

Man we need a bigger place.... This little two bedroom duplex is just getting smaller and smaller.

So on my yahoo news page today one of the BIG stories was that Katie Couric might be leaving the "Today" show. I was like what the hell? That's the big news story of the day? Not like the dozens of people killed in the storms across the country, or the war still going on in Iraq, or the thousands of children that die every second due to hunger, no the biggest story is that Katie Couric MIGHT be leaving!! Well stop the presses!!

Well that's my update for now, I know you all were just biting your nails waiting to hear what little ole me was up too!! Peace~~~~~~

Lesson Forgot..........

A little lesson from child hood that I forgot today.... Don't drink orange juice shortly after you brush your teeth. Good tid bit of information to retain!! I wasn't thinking and took a big ole gulp...And...aggg... It was not a good experience. So I just want to pass on my knowledge to remind you all so you don't have to go through such a thing first thing in your morning!!

So I'm really liking nude photography.... Its just so beautiful and true and simple... I'm just really diggin it right now. So fair warning to all, I'll be posting ones I come across and really like....To share and show their beauty. Try not to think of them as sexual...That's to you Femmie.... And try looking at them for the beauty that is in them.

Levi goes to the Akron ENT's on Friday.... So keep him in your thoughts. And also a reminder about the ads at the top of the blog and the google box..... It gives me like two cents everytime someone clicks on the ads or uses the google box... Not a lot but it ads up. I'm trying to earn enough to help fund Levi's medical expensives..... Please help by clicking on the ads and using me as your google site. Levi thanks you!!

Ok folks that's all I have to say for now I'll catch ya all later~~~~~~~~~

A Little Art For You All...........

I just really like this photo..... Its simple and true somehow... Enjoy..................

This Can't Be Good.........

So this morning around eleven or so the phone rings and I see by the caller ID that its Dr. Casper's office.....Well shit!! This can't be good news.... Its never good news when they call you back the very next day after a test and on a weekend to boot!!! I took a deep breath and answered it. Sure enough not good news............ After all this time on antibiotics and steroids he still has tons of fluid in he's sinuses. She's worried and told me to call the ENT's at Akron childrens on Monday and get an appointment. She said she was hoping he'd look better than that but no such luck she said he's really bad. So she called in yet another round of meds, and our next stop is the ENT's..... FOR REAL I'm gonna have grey hair by the time I'm 24 1/2!!!!!! I can't take it.............. I'll update you more as I know