One Day At A Time...Breath...One Day At A Time...Breath...

There are all kinds of mothers out there. Ones that I wonder how they do it all, ones that make me wonder how they could do that to their kids, and ones that just plain make me wonder.

Sometimes I question my patients with the kids, sometimes I question my attachments to them…Let me explain.

In my mommy travels I’ve met many a mommy who is so attached they don’t let anyone baby-sit; they have problems sending them to school, and so forth. This is not I. If you want to watch my children all day I will practically throw them at you. School? Can’t wait…. Is this abnormal?

I never question my love…Never. But it’s days like these last few that I do question my patients. There have been moments these pass few days where I’ve went into the bathroom closed the door and yelled… “I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!”

I’ve had them jumping and falling off beds, throwing fits. Hitting and biting each other, turning the faucet on in the bathroom and then closing the door so that when I go in there the sink is overflowing, I’ve found them sitting on top of the kitchen table and we have one of those really tall bar like tables, I’ve caught a certain little boy climbing head first out of their crib…. Oh I could go on and on…But I’ll spare you.

Birth control? Spend a day here… It’s all you will need. Parents with teens? You want to scare them, send them on over!!!

They’re ganging up on me!!! HELP!!!

Christmas 2006....

At my Parents' house in the afternoon, they got a kitchen set and my sister got them food to go with it. Introducing...Chef Carter and he's accomplice Chef Levi.
"Santa" got them a fire house tent....That they've already manage to break!!
He also got them a ball pit...Spoiled much? They now have a pretty good play room here up stairs...I still have my little corner with my computer...Oh yes..Momma still has that!!

My mom brought stockings for them over when they came for our Christmas in the morning...She put marshmallow peeps in there...Carter laid claim to his box!
"I know... I'm cute...Momma says that's the problem!!"
Grandma and Grandpa got them pop guns....I don't like guns, Chad sees no problem with it...We'll see....
"Look Paw-pal our first fire in the fire place!!" They were in awe of the fire!!
Christmas..... Hope every one had a good Holiday. Onwards to 2007......

It Hits Me Like A Wave...Trying To Pull Me Under.

So I’m driving down the road tonight driving the boys to help calm them down for the night and I’m listening to one of my CD’s I’ve made. Damien Rice’s Cold Water comes on and a little less than half way through the song I break down. I had to pull over cause I was crying so hard I couldn’t see. All I could think about was the boys, how I want them to be safe to make it through the year ahead… To have another Christmas here with us.

The doctor called yesterday and said they are shooting for the first of the year to start the infusions. The center is full right now, but there are two kids that will be done with their Chemo rounds at the end of the month and the boys will take their place in the center.

I knew it was happening, I knew they we’re going to have to go through this…But for some reason that call made it real. Made it so real.

Why do these things have to happen to children to babies? It just seems so cruel. Though they are the strongest among us. I very rarely question God, he has his reasons… So keeping that in mind…

WHY?

God you were with us when they fought for their life in the beginning, and though I may question why at times, I know you will be with us now. Keep them safe, and give them strength…Give us all a little strength.

Amen.

Levi and Carter

So I tried to take a really cute video of the little rotten munchkins today, however they weren't feeling it so well. They would only talk in their twin language and they wouldn't stay put and together.

So this is the best one I got... Enjoy.

The Panic With In Me...

I’ve been off all my meds now for about six months. For the most part I’m doing great. It’s just this irritated/agitated feeling of panic all the time. Go back to my therapist?

Hmmmm…Maybe only he’s no longer on my insurance plan and I’d have to go around in this circle with a new one….

Doctor: Why do you have these feeling?

Me: I don’t know.

Doctor: Why the agitated panic all the time?

Me: Doctor with all do respect, don’t you think that IF I knew why then most likely I wouldn’t need to be here!!??

No I don’t have the energy right now to go around that circle again.

Pfft.

That’s my biggest gripe about therapy. I’m not sure the point when all they do is ask you why. They don’t give you answers or tell you how to correct the panic disorder or the anxious feelings. They just sit there, and the last dude I had would talk about what’s going on in his life! Ummm…and how’s this helping ME?

I want answers, I want a fix. Why these anxious panic feelings? What do I have to be anxious and panicky about? I have a wonderful husband a great new home that’s all ours…I always thought that eventually they’d go away. Once we had a home of our own, Chad’s job had stability, that that would take care of everything. So why am I still left with this shit? What’s wrong with me?

I have a feeling that the fix is for me to stop thinking so much.

Happy Blog-A-Versary… To Me!!

The wonderful act of blogging. First time I heard of it I was like…

”What’s that??…You mean you… Now wait…You do what??”

Now I can’t imagine what I did before this addictive little thing we call the Blog. The people I’ve met and became friends with, I cherish you all. The growth that I’ve gone through, wouldn’t have it any other way. The things I’ve learned not just about myself, but also about others, I will take with me through life.

Thank You dear Blogland…Thank You.

A Little Rant...If You Will.

This is about my right. My right to wear clothes that fit without getting crude comments while waiting in line at Walmart, or as YSB so frighteningly describe it, Hellmart, or walking through the mall.

Me in my jeans… They fit, they’re not baggy… They fit.

Most common remarks:

“Daamn girl, You wearin’ them jeans!!”

“MMMM----MMMM”

So then I hear from others that I need to be careful, Ummm… Excuse me?? I should be able to wear whatever the hell I want, and that by no means gives anyone the right to say those things or worse “take advantage”.

I know that’s not how the world is…But it’s wrong. If a woman wants to wear a freakin’ bikini out, I wouldn’t but just say, she should be able to without the worry that they’ll say,

“She was asking for it.”!!!

I digress.

Random Acts of Katieness Vol 2.

Christmas party was last night… Had an awesome time! Danced for hours, with Chad’s buddy Carl from work, said I was the only white woman there in a black woman’s body that could dance like one [I’m taking this as a compliment as he danced with me the whole night!], that’s cause I’m good…I know, you don’t have to tell me…Waahhaaa. My legs are killing me with all that booty dancin’ we did!! I’m not use to that shit anymore!! Oh! And the dress… If people weren’t lying to me than my dress was a hit.

Also I’ve been tagged by Anthony to go to page 123 of the nearest book to me go to the fifth line and type the three sentences after that. So the book is ‘Marilyn: Her Life in her own words.’ Compiled by George Barris. Here goes:

‘I agreed to do the swimming scene nude when I was told it would make the film more of a success artistically and commercially. I had never done a nude scene in a motion picture before. I knew the studio was in financial straits because of the Elizabeth Taylor Cleopatra filming in Rome.’

There you have it.

On to the next thing: The boys…Thank you all for your supportive and well wishing emails, You all are so great. Some of you have emailed me about what exactly they are going to be going through and so I thought I’d post what I wrote to Trojan in an email in answer to that question. So here you are exactly what they will have done and why:

Their IGG levels are down. That’s the levels of antibodies that make up your immune system. So they do infusions that are different than transfusions cause they're adding something to their blood. They take the hemoglobin from many donors and spin it a certain way to get the antibodies that my boys need and then infuse their blood with it, in hopes that that gives them enough for their immune system to work and rise their numbers. That’s why they go back every 28-35 days, cause our body naturally cycles through and makes new antibodies once a month so they like to stick to that cycle. Interesting stuff...no? I read that it takes 5,000-donor blood to make one treatment!!! I think the guys at Chad's work are going to do a blood drive...in honor of them. That’s also why the treatments are sooooo expensive.

And lastly the last random act of Katieness for today: I was in Sears looking for boxer briefs for Chad and I was looking at the one brand and it said on the back of the package… “Reduced Shrinkage” Now I’m thinking they could be getting a lot more than 15.99$ for them bad boys!! I’m just sayin’!!!!

A Tag With A Beat...

Dr. Psy tagged me with five things you might not know about me. Being as I’ve pretty much been an open book this has stumped me. But I will try my best.

1. Chad and I's other favorite song to sing together is this one. We’d karaoke it together at parties…. Can you imagine? Hot? Yeah I know!!

2. This is the song I dedicate to Chad, this anniversary.

3. When Chad and I met we where with mutual friends at a bar, he over heard me telling my friend that this song was my favorite right now…that I thought it would always be a classic. Turns out I was right…it still touches me. The next week on our first date, he had gone out and bought the CD so that when I got in the car it was playing. Oh yeah and a red rose on the seat!

4. Chad had me on our first date with his singing. He sang this song and then this song. To perfection. A nice mix and let me tell you…I was hooked. I told myself..I’m gonna marry this man. A year later I did.

5. I think that when, [I say when not if cause it’s his dream and he should go for it]… Chad becomes a fighter; he should come out to this. It’s the perfect song for the train that the fighters come out to the octagon in…The fighter and all the trainers....And well maybe me too.

December 15th 2001....

Five years ago today I said "I do" to the best thing that ever happened to me. Five years gone and passed in a breath... I'm scared to take another breath in fear that five more will pass by. With out you knowing how much I love you.

Life's a fight... A struggle. But I wouldn't want to fight it with anyone but you, Baby.

Can't imagine life without you, and pray I'll never have to.

I found our song from back then. Turn it up everyone and celebrate with us!!

Here's to the next five....

A Written Post...

I couldn't get to my computer today when I wanted to write the post that was on my mind...So I rolled old school and wrote it down. By clicking on the scanned image, it will enlarge it.

You Remind Me....

Trojan has this over on her blog, I thought it was fun. I'm not even sure who some of these are!

Click here to see who this neat little thing thought I looked like.

I Brought This One Upon Myself...

1. I've come to realize that my family...
- isn’t always your blood.

2. I am listening to...
-My children singing themsleves to sleep.

3. I talk...
-When spoken to.

4. I love...
-My husband and my children…and a very select few in this world.

5. My best friend...
-has tree legs and hogs the bed.

6. My first kiss was...
-When I was 12 at a youth hayride…back in the woods.

7. I lost my virginity...
-On March 25 2001, I had just turned 19 on March 5th….. [I married him 9 months later]…. The experience was beautiful, we both cried.

8. I hate it when people...
-are ignorant….Harm children in any way…. Take advantage.

9. Love is...
-Simple…We make it complicated.

10. Marriage is...
-A piece of paper.

11. Somewhere, someone is thinking...
-I wish it would stop…all of it.

12. I'll always...
-Wonder why.

13. I have a secret crush on...
-you.

14. The last time I cried was because...
-I was stressed and scared, to much to process, my boys have been through enough all ready…we all have.

15. My cell phone...
-has a different ring for different people. Yeah I’m that person.

16. When I wake up in the morning...
-I go pee first before I do anything else.

17. Before I go to sleep at night...
-I pray.

18. Right now I am thinking about...
-The panic attack I’m trying not to have…and the Alivan downstairs to help get rid of it.

19. Babies are...
-Miricles… Their gifts.

20. I get on MySpace....
-Never…it’s the devil.

21. Today I...
-Chased two 2-year-olds up the stairs 45 times broke up 10 fights and fought through 15 timouts.

22. Tonight I will...
-Try and relax and not have the nightmare.

23. Tomorrow I will...
-Worry about tomorrow.

24. I really want...
-Peace, contentment, serenity.

25. The person who most likely to repost this is...
- Isn’t it enough that I did it? Why do I have to bring it upon others?!

Makes Ya Think...

Chad and I have been watching the Sopranos seasons at night together. Which has been nice, cause usually we are in different rooms watching our own things.

Anyway, the other night was the episode where Tony’s therapist is raped in the stairwell of her office parking deck as she’s leaving. She can identify him, but the police messed up on arresting him and had to let him go.

She’s in the deli and sees the picture of the manager up on the wall and its him. So now she knows a name and where he works.

They show her talking to her therapist about how she’s pissed he won’t have to answer or pay for what he did to her. But that she could have him “taken care of” and she knows it by telling Tony. She knows what his “business” is.

The last scene they show her in her session with Tony and she starts to say something…that she wasn’t in a car wreck…. she was raped and she knows by who. But at last she doesn’t tell him. Ethics I guess.

For some reason I couldn’t get this episode out of my head. After it was over I took my glass to the kitchen, checked on the boys, and then came back in the living room. I looked at Chad and said,

“I would of told him.”

Maybe that makes me bad or unethical… but that was my gut feeling and the truth I was thinking.

It's Official....

The test results are in and the infectious disease doctor wants the infusions to start immediately. I’m waiting on the insurance red tape shit to be worked out and then they schedule them.

They said they’d want the first one done as soon as possible, I told them fine, but not the week of Christmas. If God forbid they should react or have problems, I don’t want them to be in the hospital over Christmas. That’s not fair to them, let them have their Christmas. They said they understood and that that was fine.

So every 28 to 35 days I will have to take my babies to Children’s Hospital for a three hour IV infusion treatment.

This Holiday Season I ask for strength.

Well....

Next weekend is Chad's company Christmas party. I plan to look smokin.... And I bought this cocktail dress to help that along.

What ya all think??

Just A Small Kernal... In A Big Box

There are actually parents out there that don’t allow their children to watch the television. I always wondered about their reasoning. When I was growing up we could watch TV, but what we watch was heavily monitored.

But then a thought came to me…Maybe the parents feel that the kids shouldn’t have some fantasy about what life is like, so then they won’t be disappointed when they may or may not find out it isn’t true. The same reasoning why some parents don’t tell fairytales of the knight riding up on a white horse to save the princess to their daughters… Or let them play with Barbies.

But then a thought came to me. Without disappointment how would we ever grow strong in life? And isn’t disappointment a small obstacle on our life path…A way to make sure we learn and continue on the path we were meant to take?

While it is true that some more than others experience more than their fair share of disappointments, it is also true that they are that much more stronger because of it.

And if we’re smart we will realize that we make our own fantasies about life, and it’s up to us to make them realities.

Welcome to My Humble Abode...

This is our bedroom...My favorite room in the whole place.
Our closet is walk in big enough for both of us and then there's a linen closet as well.
This is the living room dining room area, pay no attention to the mess on the floor!!
The Foyer...
The Kitchen, We painted not only the walls, but the cupboards as well..They look so much better!! **When I say we I mean my loving gracious, giving parents, who worked very hard on painting for us...Love you guys!!**
This is the other side of the dining area.
The upstairs, will be the boys big room when their older but till then its my guest/computer/eBay room!!
The other half of the upstairs...

And there you have it. I didn't get a pic of the boys' room cause they were napping while I did this...But it's a khaki color. I also didn't take a pic of the basement...It's a basement...Nothing spectacular.

So what ya think??

Snail Mail

I miss the letter. Getting a letter from a friend and seeing their actual handwriting. Not generic type. I miss writing letters.

I was a note writer in school. It would be nothing to write 12 notes in a day to my good friend Nick. My girl friends and I had a notebook we’d pass between us. I miss that.

I’m actually sending out Christmas cards this year…writing in them no less. If you want one of my fabulous Christmas cards, email me your address.

I think we should start a letter-writing group. Bring back the art of penmanship.

News At Eight....

Well…. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. The infectious disease doctor is leaning towards the Infusions. He had a few labs he ran today that he has to look at first, however he thinks they would benefit from the infusions.

He thinks that with out them this winter will be worst than last winter as far as the number of infections and the ability to clear them up.

Disheartening.

But I have strong tough little guys and they’ll make it through… It’s their parents I’m worried about!!

That’s your news update at eight…. Gotta go back to the mass of boxes…

Why Hello There...

I'm Back!!!

Did you miss me??

Swimming in boxes...Buried in crap I don't remember ever having...But I got my computer up and running!! Gotta have priorities.

All of our moving "help", save for our good buddy Scotty, didn't show. So we had to finish moving today. People like that suck. Don't tell me you will help, we count on you, and then you're a no show. Luckily we did have Chad's brother in law for a few hours.

No I don't have pics I haven't had time to take any. With the shortage in help and getting the boys settled this is the first I've really sat down all weekend. But I will try to soon.

Tomorrow is the boys appointment.... Pray.

In A Second... Ok?

We are moving tomorrow...I won't have internet service hooked up till Sunday [GASP]...Whatever will I do? However I think Mr. Jones will be holding a "Talk about her while she's gone" caucus over at his place!!

See ya all on the flip side....