HAIR!

Riddle me this:

They say your hair grows an inch per month…Hmmm maybe. What do you think?

This is my hair one year ago.




This is my hair now.



Look like 12 inches to you??

I didn’t think so.

Life's A Box Of Chocolates....

The truck is dead and we don’t have the money to fix it. However my loving sister got her iMac she’s been wanting over the weekend and so she won’t be needing her laptop…So guess what??

I’M GETTING A LAPTOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been wanting one for so long I’m so excited!! She is the sweetest sister EVER. I love her.

You all have to check out her on line comic, Rocketfuel, now that she has her new iMac she’ll be updating the ole comic a lot more.

Now I can be an even bigger hermit. Anthony you will be glad to hear that I will now get to watch more TV. I can blog and chat and still catch some shows… A hermit’s life does have its perks.

So every one give a great big thanks to my loving beautiful GIVING sister Sarah…

[Picture above is of my sister and me when we were in high school, me 15 she 18.]

This Is One OF THOSE Post... This is Me Warning You.

Life…

Just keeps on dumpin on me. It must be me. Something I’m doing wrong, something I’m putting out there. I try to be a good person I mean, hell, it’s not like I have time to be a bad one. But man it’s like we can’t ever catch a break around here.

As soon as we decide its safe to jump into some thing like buying a house…BAM!! Something happens. I can’t ever get ahead. Chad’s truck died today. It doesn’t look like it’s worth fixing for what its worth. So I’ll have to take him to work and pick him up.

And then the little things just start pissing you off when you’re trying to conserve money. The fact that we never go out or do anything fun, but still have to pinch pennies…. The fact that diapers are so expensive… The fact that I’m charged two copays when they see the kids at the same time… The fact that my stupid eyes are changing again and so are Chad’s and we don’t have vision insurance… The fact that the boys’ jeans are all high waters and one pair of kid jeans are more than I pay for my own jeans. What’s up with that?

It’s just one of those times when you sit and ask yourself… “What’s the point? What’s the point to it all??”

Thoughts I had Over The Weekend:

That Chad’s jeans fit me so much better than my own.

That the fact that men can lose five pounds over night is WRONG.

That I could use some time away. I think I need to sneak away and go bug my loving sister for a weekend. Just me.

The pen that Chad has at the computer is for Clindamax vaginal cream…What the….. should this concern me?

More children? No more children…. That has been the question…. I know the answer at this point.

That at the boys’ next treatment I’m requesting lazy people’s blood…. They are feeling so good, however I’m exhausted!

Why does everything cost so damn much?

K8's Big Idea....

The experts [who ever they are] say that this upcoming presidential race will be the most exciting and important one we’ve ever seen. Maybe so. However I think they need to revamp the election race. Here’s what I’m thinking needs to be done.

The only way we get to know the candidates is to see them in debates. This has always bothered me. What does watching a debate tell us about the candidate or how they would be running the country? It’s not like they have to debate once they’re president. So here’s what I purpose:

This idea came to me last night as I was flipping channels and found that my TV has been taking over by reality shows. I’m thinking that we need to put the candidates running for the presidency on a reality type show. Throw certain circumstance, like those they would face as president and see how they handle them. See them in the “confessionals” see how they relate with others.

Now all I need is a title.

Lusha Rose

In the frenzy of the last month I forgot to introduce you all to my baby. This is Lusha. Chad bought her for me about four years ago. However shortly after I got her we had to move and the place we moved to didn’t allow pets, so my wonderful adoring sister took her in for me.

She gave her a home over these last years and I am thankful for that. Around Christmas Lusha came home. I told her I would come back for her as soon as we got a place of our own. Took a little longer than expected, but here she is.

She’s already spoiled rotten. As soon as the boys go down for naps or to bed out she comes for her cuddle time. She’s been a great distraction though all that’s been going on.

Last night as you can see she cuddled herself into my hair…she’s never done this so some people around here deemed it a photo opportunity. [Please disregard my dishevel and no make up look…long day with the rotten ones!!].

So anyway every one say… “Hi Lusha!!”

Why...

Can't we all just get along?

Wars.

Fighting.

Hurt feelings.

Hurt children.

Mean words.

Divided government.

Why....

Soap Box...

I’ve been thinking about something for quite sometime now. Trying to figure out how to word it so I can get my point across. I’ve decided to just type and hopefully it will just happen.

Stand up for your self, take care of you, and think about you cause if you don’t no one else will. We all hear and say these things. And they are true; hell I say them all the time. But if you sit and think about that then it’s not hard to see why we are the selfish nation that we are.

Putting our needs and feelings above others as an act of protection in most cases. To not get hurt, walked on and used. Trust no one we are told, but if we never trust anyone our lives would be so lonely. Chad tells me this…to trust no one, but I think to myself if I did that than I never would of gone out with you…I didn’t know you and yet I went out on a date with you. It’s how we all met our partners and friends.

With out trust there really can be no selflessness. I like to think most people are good, and that giving even just a friendly smile is worthwhile. People get so wrapped up in themselves that they can’t see other’s pain, they don’t take the time to see others are hurting too before they judge them or simply walk on by.

Though I have been through a lot and I’ve had a lot of people I’ve trusted do shitty things to me, I don’t let that taint my view of the rest of humanity. I don’t walk around pissed off and scowl at everyone.

Yes I’m one of ‘those’ people that will talk to a stranger in the grocery store, that will smile and say hello as I pass someone. We as a nation have become so wrapped up in ourselves [selfish] that friendly and common manners have been all but forgotten.

There has to be a meeting place between standing up for yourself and being downright full of your self.

To be a selfless nation instead of a selfish nation.

How'd it Go? Well I'll Tell You...

We’re back; I can’t believe we have to go through that every month!! They pretty much cried the whole time. The screamed and yelled NO!! During the insertion of the IV’s… It was so stressful. All I wanted to do was pick them up and run out of there.

They had their own room, with lots of nurses coming in and out; the doctor came in during the middle to check on them. We thought we’d be able to take them around more, but they didn’t want us leaving so they could monitor them closely.

All in all though they did well. Though they fussed and had some shaking they didn’t have any major reactions during it. It took about five hours start to finish, they came in and checked vitals every 10 minutes. They wouldn’t sleep even though they got benadril and Tylenol…To unfamiliar I guess. All the crying and trauma they seemed to have gone through was forgotten when they took the IV’s out at the end. They got right up and gave all the nurses a hug; they were back to their ornery selves. How quickly children move on.

The actual gammogloblin went in first and it made them fussing and gave Levi the chills and shakes when they increased the drip to fast, they had to back it down, but after that they flush it with saline solution and they started feeling better with that.

So stressful, so heartbreaking, it took all the restraint I could muster to not run them out of there when they were screaming.

They are as of this moment sleeping peacefully.

As for the adults, we’re still on nervous stress overload.

The next one is Feb. 15th. This once a month thing is a lot faster than you think!!

Thanks to you all for all your support and thoughts and prayers…

Dear Levi and Carter,

Where do I begin? I’ve been so scared of this day …… I feel that I should be giving you strength, however you are already so strong. I have a feeling that I will be the one drawing from your strength today. Even though you have only been here a few years already you have inspired me. You came in to this world fighting and you’ve held your strength throughout.

Keep up the fight boys. Mommy needs you to fight harder than you’ve ever fought today. The first one is the toughest, but we can do it. Cause we have each other.

I know that the thought of going through this every month is no fun. But mommy and daddy are doing what we feel is the best for you now.

Know that we love you both, and we will be right there holding your hand through the whole thing. It’s okay to be scared, it’s okay to cry, lay your head on our shoulders, and together we'll fight.

I Love you both,
Mommy.

One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish...

Snowed yesterday.

But you couldn’t tell it to look out there today.

Winter is stalling, I fear, so she can make one hell of an appearance! Sneak in with a vengeance when no one suspects it.

I wish I could get paid to blog. Wouldn’t that be like the coolest job ever?

We found out yesterday that the boys qualify for free preschool!! Their language is behind, however they’re twin language is right on track…hahah… So because of that the state is paying to make sure they’ll be ready for kindergarten. They start in the fall. One less thing to worry about how to afford. We’re so grateful.

Chad is competing again on the 27th, this time up towards Cleveland. Man he gets to have all the fun… Not that that’s MY idea of fun, but you know what I mean.

Wal-Mart’s generic brand of Chocolate pop tarts is the BEST.

I wish I would win the lottery. Of course I’d have to start PLAYING the lottery.

Debt is a fact of life. I need to start accepting this.

Strollers and Grandparents don’t mix. The stroller will always win.

Tonight I will breath, I will kiss my boys good night, and I will be a wreck for the next 24-48 hours.

Wish Me No More Crazy.

It’s not so much the treatment as the anticipation of what’s to come that’ll turn you into a raving lunatic…

I feel like every day I just watch the clock thinking, “what are you watchin the clock for? You’re not going to be doing anything?” And then thinking is this it? IS this all I’m going to be in my life? Is this all I’m going to get to experience and do?…

I wish that just once my body would listen to my brain and do as I wish and tell it to.

I wish I wouldn’t feel like I’m manic all the time, like I’m two eye twitches away from being committed…

I wish that instead of wishing things to be different I’d wake up and look around… And see how very lucky I am. And see that I have all that I need right where I’m at…

Hello Out There In Blogland...

Here are my answers to my own questions. I figured I can't ask you questions and then not answer them myself, that would be snobbish. I'm a good boss. Oh yeah and another thing. Been growing my hair out for almost a year for Locks of Love got it trimmeded yesterday. What do ya think? When I started it was like at the middle of my ears. The pose is to spice it up a bit...Couldn't have no boring hair shot, how fun would that be?


1. Do you get embarrassed easily? No not really.

2. What age were you when you lost your virginity? 19

3. Name of your first kiss. Ryan 8th grade.

4. If you could go back to any decade and live, which one would you go back to? And what would you be? The 60's Babyand I'd be a hippie all the way!!

5. Is there something you wish you knew how to do? Or some kind of talent you wish you possessed? I wish I had a talent that I could make a living off of, that way I'd love my job and get paid to do my passion.

6. What's your "number"? 1...I sometimes I wonder if that's good or not...

7. Do you think other's perception of you is close to your perception of yourself? Not even close.

8. If you could give me any talent or skill, what would it be? I would give you all the ability to blink and be where you want. Dinner at my place!!

It's My Blog and I'll Boss If I Want To...

All right time for some fun up in here!!! I’m tired of always posting answers to some tag thing where someone else made up all the questions!! It’s my turn to make up the questions and your turn to answer… …

1. Do you get embarrassed easily?

2. What age were you when you lost your virginity?

3. Name of your first kiss.

4. If you could go back to any decade and live, which one would you go back to? And what would you be?

5. Is there something you wish you knew how to do? Or some kind of talent you wish you possessed?

6. What’s your “number” ?

7. Do you think other’s perception of you is close to your perception of yourself?

8. If you could give me any talent or skill, what would it be?

Don’t move your chairs away now, this train wreck just keeps on wreckin’.

Me: I really need to talk about this… I feel it’s all on my shoulders and I’m scared. What if they reject?

Chad: What ever happens happens you deal with it then, you can’t panic about it now.

Me: See that’s what I mean, I feel I’m alone in this cause you won’t give me your opinion on rather to do the IGIV or not… You brush off every conversation I have about it with that answer, which really isn’t one, Meanwhile I’m going through panic attacks every day over it and physically I’m shutting down!!

Chad: I’m sorry, you want to hear what I think, you might not like what I have to say…

Me: No I want to go ahead…

Chad: [deep breath] I’d rather them die from undergoing a treatment to try and give them the ability to live life, than see them die in these four walls in this house in a bubble, never having experienced life. With out this treatment they can’t do that. They need to experience things, other than these walls and us. [Leaves room]

Me: [calling after him] Thank You. That’s what I needed to hear. You’re right, we need to do what has the best chance of giving them that.


Their first treatment will be January 18th. A week from today. It’s real. It’s happening.

A Place To Think Aloud...

What’s our purpose in life? How do we discover it, and more importantly how do we know if we’re already fulfilling it?

Is it a feeling of contentment? Because it’s human nature to never feel 100% content so then if that was the case, we’d never know.

Is it something that we won’t know till after we have done it, like...”ahhh that was something I was to do in my life.”?

Is it something that only after we take our final breaths… Will be revealed to us.

OR is it like the Holy Grail… One should always be in wonder of it, always be in pursuit of it…But never be in attainment of it?

NEWS FLASH!!

I now have a Dishwasher!!!!

Making Decisions 101...

Decisions. I hate them, and for the most part most of them are “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t” type decisions. So how do you work your way through those? If only we could see the future and know the outcome to both ways of the decision and then be able to pick the one whose outcome we like better. Sound good? Yeah we need to work on that ability.

I also wonder why someone like me who hates decisions, seems to always be handed them. Like giving someone who’s terrified of snakes a bed full of snakes every week.

The last few weeks everything has been clouded by one huge decision. I can’t sleep; it’s all I ever think about through out the day, wishing I knew the right thing to do, wishing I could see into the future.

I wish I could say it was something funny like boy cut shorts or bikinis, or lip-gloss or lip balm. But I can’t, because it’s not. This decision affects two lives. So I’ll lay it out, nothing left to do but lay it out.

As you all know my boys have an immune deficiency. Their doctors all feel that undergoing IGIV treatments are the best thing for them. However in the end its my decision and now that the ball is finally rolling with the insurance company and the spot is now open is the center, I’m starting to freak out.

We have been giving the side effects of the IGIV, and we’ve also been given what can happen if they don’t go through them. I won’t sugar coat here, they didn’t for me, so then you can see the decision that’s making me ill.

IGIV has a risk of kidney failure, rejection leading to death. Though rare it’s still there. It is a blood product. Fevers, chills, trouble breathing all can be side effects. Weigh that against not doing the IGIV, their doctor’s say if they develop pneumonia from an infection they say they’d give them a 20% chance of survival…That’s an 80% chance a dying. Well and with out the IGIV the seclusion would have to continue obviously.

Like I said I hate decisions. And this one by far has been the worst. Like playing Russian Rulet. Which one will be the safest? I don’t want to do something to prevent a deadly illness and in turn create more problems, but I don’t not want to do the treatment and then they get sick and not survive… As mentioned above the ability to see the impact of each decision would be great about now.

Fucking decisions!!

I Am...

Stressed.

I am tired.

Make me smile....

Two Thousand and Seven...

This Year…

I will turn 25. I feel so old.
Chad will turn 32…Damn he’s getting old.
The boys will turn 3. Where has the time gone?

This Year…

I want to express myself more.
I want to hide less.
I want to at least come close to finding my purpose.

This Year…

I want to be strong.
I want to be peaceful.
I want to be brave.

This Year…

I want to be healthy, naturally.
I want to see my boys be able to go out and run.
I want to see them ‘be kids’.

This Year…

I want to hug all the ones who have touched me.
I want to make a difference, if even in a small way.
I want to learn something new each day.

This Year…

I want to find peace in my heart for those who have hurt me.
I want to let go of all the anger.
I want to not let it rule me.

This Year…

I want to be even more obnoxiously ME.