I'm Sorry Babies.............

Hmmm...this is hard I don't know where to start but I feel it will help me deal better if I feel like I'm talking about it a getting it out. Let me catch you up....... My twins were born at 34 weeks instead of 40 like term babies. They had several complications and both had to be resuatated and put on ventilators. They spent two weeks in the NICU. Of course ever since I've feelt guilty every time they had a problem thats related to being premature...their immature lungs needing special meds and shots their dirst year, their touching immature digestive systems needing special formula and feeding times.......I'd feel guilty I tell my self if I had only keept them in a little longer, if I'd only of gained more weight during the pregnancy (I gained 20 lbs.) they would of been better off....If Only. Well I few weeks ago we had yet another blow, Levi had blood work done to check about food allergies cause they react so bad with asthma and all to milk or anything that has milk in it. Levi had he's taken first and when we took Carter up to the hospital to get he's taken we got the results of Levi's. It seems that he's red blood count is extremly low which the doctor says tells him that he's immune system has not developed properly. And that thats probably why he gets so sick with milk. Theres "Good" bacteria in milk, but with out a developed immune system it takes it as bad and causes him to get sick. So today we had blow number two when the doctor called me to give me Carters blood test results....He has the same thing. So we have to be careful were we take them and all. And then they get their blood taken again in April. He says it rare to start with but those babies who do have it seem to get their immune system by 3 or 4. If they don't develope it by then theres medication to give them I guess to help with going to school. The One blessing in this? He said its a good thing we decided I'd be a stay at home mom, cause if they'd of been in daycare we probably would of already had several overnight hospital stays....with all the kids and things they wouldn't of been able to fight off. So again I feel guilty that I didn't keep them in longer...but i do feel good knowing i did help them by staying home with them. I'll keep you posted on how things are going...I'd tell you the name of what they have however its like 100 letters long I swear!!!

However looking back from were we started at were very blessed to have them here with us and as healthy as they are. I know these pictures are hard to look at believe me their hard for me too look at....but sometimes you have to look back to see how far you've come. Remember to see the babies now check out their photo link at the right, called The Bode Em.... till next time...........................................................................................

Spring in January??

Ok so i know that its only January but I am ready for spring!!! Yesterday here in ohio we had a taste of it! It was such a pretty day..around 50 and the su was out. Chad and I took the boys walking aroun The Strip...a shopping plaza here.......and it was fun the boys LOVE being outside. I can't wait till I can pack them up in the stroller again and go for nice walks around the neighborhood. I think there getting stir crazy. But I can't complain because Ohio has not had a bad winter I mean come on 50's in January....hell must be frezzing over!!

Its been a really good weekend....Chad didn't have to work so we had the whole weekend. We took the twins to the pet store and Mcdonalds yesterday before taking them up to the strip. Then we stayed in last night and goofed around. Chad taught them how to run up and down the living room screaming!! Thats dads for ya......see he's not here to hear them do it all day long!! But it was really cute. Then I took a wonderful bath after they went to bed and read my lastest book I'm reading called....Little Earthquakes by: Jennifer Weiner......Its great I'm really loving it!! And then I went to bed and wasn't awoken untill 6:50am when the boys got up!! I was so happy they seelpt through!!!

I also got to do some e-mail back and forth to a dear friend of mine from high school who moved to Floridia after she finish school. We got to catch up and talk about her wedding thats in May of 2007. I wish I could go I'd love that however its just too expensive! But I've requested tons of pictures!!

Well thats how my weekend went pretty laid back....oh yeah check out my new section of links at the right...Music Fog....its what I'm listening to know and some like Jennifer Knapp I've been listening to since forever...she never gets old. I hope she comes back to the scene soon I miss her. Well thats all for now. Later............................

MTV's True Life....I can't get it out of my head....

Last night I watched a show i like on MTV called True Life....last nights episode was "True Life...I have gay parents". I haven't been able to stop thinking about it ever since. I felt so bad for this one girl they followed around in particular. She was a junior in high school trying out for drum major. She also had two moms. So they were showing her doing her preinterview for drum major and her audtion and final interview. All during this the school officials kept saying they didn't know about choosing her because of her "home life". They said they're a small and conservative town and some of the band members parents are Christians and would pull their kids out of band if she was drum major because they don't approve of the home life she has and wanted to let her know and then told her that that's going to a part of her life she'll have to get use to. Believe me I'm sure she got used to it a long time ago...seems to me the parents that wouldn't let their kids be in the band need to come to terms with reality and teach tolerance and love. That's the world we're in and I can't believe that these are Christians they were talking about...I know homosexuality is wrong and a sin but who are we to judge? I don't know about your Jesus But my Jesus...As the Todd Agnew song goes.....Reached out to thieves, sluts and lairs!! And the other part that was angering me was that these town "people" were shunning her like she got to pick who her parents are!!! She had good parents gay or not that's more than some children have in this world with straight parents. And if parents start pulling kids from things like that because their parents are gay whats next? Kids whose parents aren't married who parents are a different religion than them whose parents are each of a different race. It's a dangerous hill to go down that will only serve to cultivate hate and predjuices. Jesus would want you to reach out to them and love them, not shun and judge them and teach your kids they shouldn't associate with certain people with certain "home lives". By the way she got drum major!! I was happy for her! Aaaahhh I feel better that all was just bugging at my mind all night last night and all today I had to say my peace about it so I could let it go.

Update on Fraggle Rock.....I caved Amazon had free shipping on it...It will be at the house on Tuesday!!! I'll let ya all know if the twins like it as much as I think they will!....Later.....

The Great Fork Affair.................

Well my plan didn't really work as i thought it would see I left one fork out and then asked chad to set the table to see what he would do with the situation....nothing thats what he did other than getting pissed off he did nothing. He still is like just go get some more. But the thing is you can't replace them!! They were my grandmas. And besides that he doesn't understand how expensive it would be to replace silverwear every few months! Expecially when you only really need the forks so you end up buting a whole set of silverwear just for the forks. He says i should just go to the good will and buy a bunch of fork...hello do you know me but at all!! See I'm the kinda gal who like her things to be matching sets..why should I have to suffer because you can't stop throwing them away or losing them or whatever it is that your doing. It's not that they would be used most of my things are used..1. becuase its cheaper..2. i really like vintage things!! But thats beside the point this paticular set you can't replace. Men!!! I suppose most of ya out there have the same issues! Like for instance the kitchen...see as a stay at home mom who cooks everynight for her family i view my kitchen as my office. So when you mess it up or don't help me keep it clean it irrates me. I can only imagine the wrath I would get if I went to he's work and messed up his office!! When he's on vacation and the guys at work leave it a mess he stresses out!! A little help and respect for my "office" would be nice. Thanks for listening about my husband rant....i'm sure ya all have been there....feel free to comment.............

Like most americans last night I watched American idol....boy do they draw the freaks!! Its like all the weirdos we have here in america come out of their holes to go and make a tv appereance!! I have a hard time believing these people really think their good..I mean don't they have friends or family to be honest with them before they go and make a fool of themselves? I'd be pissed if you let me go on their and make a fool of myselfe when you knew all along i'm horrible! I couldn't believe the things people were wearing and how shocked they were to find out they stink!! Families need to start being honest with each other tell them i'm sure you have other talents singing is not it!!! I swear I need about a third of the confidence these people have!!! Last night on Scarbourgh Country he was talking about how the media is saying its the meanest season yet and then he said "why is a britian on the panel of judges to decide who get to try out for AMERICAN Idol?" He does have a point there... I never thought of it that way. I'll give him that!!! Allright well thats all I have for now more later.......................

A little show called Fraggle Rock...........

My boys are really into this show called "Jack's big music show" on noggin. They are mesmerized by it. They seem to like shows with puppets more than cartoons. So it made me think of one of my favorite shows growing up. Fraggle Rock....see it was on the Disney channel when I was growing up which back then was an extra paid channel above cable like HBO is now...so i only got to see it when they would do the free channel preview weekends. I loved it and I was stoked to find that they released it on DVD....the first season that is! I really think they'll like it and I know that I will!! hehehe gotta love a show that You actually want to watch with your kids!! So I'm trying to decide weather or not to get it for them. It's 30.00$ on amazon which to some doesn't seem like that much but for us right now it is. I'm thinking about it. it';s just such a great show i really recommend ya all check it out!

Also if ya all have noticed the ad and the goggle search box at the top of my blog I thought I'd explain it. You can set it up and everytime someone uses it or just clicks on the ad (thats all you have to do you don't have to buy anything just click on it to open it then close it) it earns me a few cents. Not much but I figure over time it will add up. It's the boys' college fund. I figure by the time their 18 they might have 500.00 to split between the two of them!!! Books for the first year at least!! lol...so please if ya think about it use my site to do your searches and click on the ads please the boy's would be much apprietive.

The great fork affair is about to get more interesting so stay tuned for updates!! It should be good!! I got a plan that will be put into affect soon......... I'll keep ya posted...Later...

Hidden Feelings come out over silverwear..........

So last night I had an emotional breakdown over silverwear yes people silverwear! I was telling Chad that he had to be more careful about taking silverwear i.e. forks to work with he's lunch cause he's losing them. Let me catch you up a little..... a while ago I noticed that I was down to litterally 2 forks from the set we got when we got married. I asked Chad to look at work for them and he said their wasn't any there.....pretty soon I was low on spoons as well and the eneviable came that I'd have to purchase a new set a silverwear. My mom and I looked at some at like walmart and target but you'd have to buy two sets to get enough and they were like 50.00-60.00!! I couldn't do that so mom said she she if my Grandma had a set I could have. Now my grandma has been sick for sometime now she has healthcare providers come into her house to set with her and make her meals and to bath her she has deminsia and some other problems. So my mom got me a det that was hers that she wouldn't be needing and thats what we've been using for the last seven months or so. So flash forward to last night while I'm doing the dishes and I notice that once again I'm down to like four forks!! SO I tell Chad about it and tell him if I go out and buy a set he'll have to start taking plastic (like he was suppose to do anyway)...cause we can't afford to go out and spend 60+ dollars every couple of months cause he keeps losing or throwing away forks at work. He argues with me that they aren't that expensive...and all of a sudden I burst into tears and say, "They were my grandma's my grandma's and now their lost!!" I broke down into tears over silverwear they wern't fancy they weren't expensive they were just mu grandmother's. And then it hit me I'm having more of a hard time dealing with this than I thought. I brushed off the fact that I haven't been over to see her cause its so hard with the boys and being busy and all when really its becuase it makes me sad and I'm not sure how to deal with it....I can't even imagine what my mother is going through and feeling.

See the grandma I see now is not the grandma I remember. It's hard for me when she can't remember ever seeing the babies or having to ask Whos babies are those. Its not her fault but it doesn't make it any less hard. Even though my grandmother is still here on earth it feels like I lost her months ago its all very weird for me to wrap my mind around and to deal with. I lost my granfather when I was nine but still miss him...I cried when I had the twins cuase I knew he would of gotten a kick out of me having twin boys. And it's hard to deal with cuase sometimes grandma doesn't seem like she remembers them. When something happens in your life thats monumemtal like graduating getting married having kids you wish your family that has passed was there to see you do it, but you can comfort yourself by knowing they can see you from heaven. But my grandma is still here with us physically...but yet she can't BE there. I don't know if I'm making any sense but it feels good to write it all down...thanks for letting me use this entry as a way to try a cope. I'll see ya all later............

Hang in there .....

I know its been a while since my last post...my boys have sever sinus infections and I have broncitis with bronical asthma! It's been the house of the sick her lately as soon as things get back to normal and better I'll be back....I know ya miss me!!! Later....................

Another tag!! Enjoy!!

I've been tagged by Stacy Marie!! Here's my answers though not nearly as exciting as her's:

Four jobs you’ve had in your life:
1. Fashion bug
2. Unizan bank teller
3. Mortgage Loan Processor
4. Stay at home mom--the best and most rewarding!

Four movies you would watch over and over:
1. Forrest Gump
2. Center Stage
3. The Life of David Gale
4. Life is a House

Four places you have lived:
1.Canton. Oh
2.Louisville, Oh
3.---
4. ----

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. Law and Order SVU
2. Dog The Bounty Hunter
3. Sex in the City
4. Intervention

Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Mertle Beach
2.Florida
3. Columbus, Oh
4. Kentucky

Four websites you visit daily:
1. All blogs linked at the right
2. Ebay
3. Yahoo news
4. Pay Pal

Four of your favorite foods:
1. Mexican--anything
2. Ice Cream
3. Bread---any of it!!
4. Veggie Pizza

Four places you would rather be right now:
1. Sleeping
2. Columbus with my sis
3. Italy
4. New York City

Four bloggers you are tagging:
1. every blogger I know has either given me the tag or has been tagged with it!!

It's Official I'm A Proud Mamma

It's official I'm a proud mamma finally!! I got my own digital camera and been playing with it! Noe my boys are getting their pics taking all the time!! I created a "blog" like pic link for them. Check out the link on the side i'll up date when I get new pics taken so check regurarly. We have a b-day party today for one of Chad's buddies daughter. I'll write more later!! Oh yeah if ya click on each pic it will make it bigger and tell ya which boy your looking at!! Some people have said its hard to tell them apart so I did a little cheat sheet for ya all!! Enjoy.......

mommy's little boy's working together to get the safty plug out!!

What's a Full Life?

The other night I got to thinking about things I want to do in my life time and relized that I probably will never get to do them because of my economic status. For example there are places in the world I would love to see...Italy, Ireland (where my people are from), New York City...Hawaii.....and because Femmie always tells me about it Alaska. But to do that cost so much money!!! Plane tickets hotels food!!! I fear I'll never get to see any of that. But then I think that's not really what life's about. It's a great thing if that happens for you and you're able to do the things you want, but being loved and loving others is more of what life's about. Seeing your children grow and smile, thats life! Or else its what poor people tell them selves to make them selfs feel better!! LOL just a little joke people! But really we all have things we would like to do in life and it's a sobering thought to realize it probably isn't an option. But at the same time how lucky are we to have two healthy boys a roof over our heads and food for dinner everynight...that's more than most people in the world have. When you sit and think of all you do have in life...family, love.......you feel silly for feeling sad for the things you won't get to do. Thanks be to God for my family..and by family that includes those who aren't blood as well! Love ya All!!!

More Later...........................

Dating.....Do We Have Too???

Lately the subject of dating and not wanting too has seemed to come up alot. My best friend of some 13years is the same age as me and single...and quite frankly i believe she's loving it! However everyone is after her to date and meet someone....ya know the whole "how ya going to get married if you don;t get out there and meet people and date?" thats what people tell her. I'm sitting here like she's 23!!!!! Whats the rush?? I relize this might sound weird comming from a girl who married at 19, but that doesn't make me a cursader for marriage and all. Dating's tough I hated it and thank God daily I found my wonderful Husband early on. I was at the Giant Eagle the other day getting what else but daipers....when I overheard these girls talking. They were saying how the feel like their never gonna meet the right man and get married and die an old maid! Do you know how old they were? 20..thats right 20 i know this because i asked! Believe me at times I think maybe I got married to young but I wouldn't have changed it even now if I was given the chance...but that was were my life was going and what was right for me but I do addmitt I was really Young. But then Chad's seven years older than me and was ready to settle and quite frankly I was too I knew he was the one. Anyway back to what has me worried for my best friend is the thing she told me the other night...let me catch you up a little....she's been talking with this guy she meet through eharmony who happens to be a pastor and she works in the church as a christian education director. But she's really not feeling him but he's really liking her though. And the other night she said "but what if he's the only guy that will ever like me and I mess it up by telling him I don't see it working out and then its my fault I'm alone?" My response was....what the hell!!! You should be telling yourself that you deserve a partner that you like and can be yourself with and love you shouldn't have to settle.....why are we as women so insecure we feel we have to settle instead of waiting and going after what we want. To all those gals out there who are single and feeling the pressure to be with someone..just promise me that you won;t settle that if you're happy were you are in life that thats all that matters and to just tune everyone else out!!!! I hope i made a little since sometimes when I start ranting i don';t always make complete thoughts...sorry if I've done that here.

Thats all for now more.....Later...........

Romance??

So last night femmie and i are watching are favorite show of all time sex and the city...and its the one were carrie starts dating the Russian. And shes talking about hows too romantic and too much. And How american women don;t know how to respond to romance. Here;s my so called theory on this subject and my personal feelings............ We as women are constitanly shown want men think is attractive or at least what the media says their attractive to, so we as unsecure women know we don;t measure up so when a complament is paid or a romantic geasture is extended we think its a joke or a gross come on or their just "being nice". I for one would love my husband to go out of he's way to be romantic but I can't even take his complaments serious!! I either laugh thinking he's joking or just say "whatever" cause I think he's just being nice. How did we get to this point? Is it just me or are other women feeling the same way. Why are we so insecure? Is it really all the media's fault or is something inside us? As carrie says, "I couldn't help but wonder...are we romance intolerant?"

I know you are itching to hear more of my views on this subject, but I'm leaving it up to you now....comment on your views on this subject I'd love to hear what other women think!! Thats all for now.....Later.........

a new skin? maybe?

ok guys I'm gonna try a custmize my blogskin later today so if I totally mess it up you'll know why !! my site my be down for awhile today...i know it will be hard but it will be back don't worry...i know there are just so many people who read this!! lol....

k wish me luck........later.........

2006....time to reflect...time to remember..time to look ahead...

So here we are starting another year.... I wonder what will happen this year? Every year seems to bring the same things. Maybe this year will bring different things? It doesn't seem possible thats its 2006..I graduated in 2000...it seems like just yesterday I was sitting in chemistry class taking notes....standing at my locker talking to everyone....luaghing at Miss stumps dramtic proformance of Mcbeth!! Good Times Good Times!! Where does the time go? Now I've been married for four years have 18 month old twins...and yet I don;t feel a year older!! Time is a funny thing to me....when you think back on something it seems like at the same time both eons ago and at the same time like yesterday!! I can't help but think at the beginning of every new year....what will it bring? Will we finally be a little more finicially stable...will we go a whole year without surgeries and hospital stays.....will we add on to our family....will we stay here or find a bigger place..will I finally find legit at home work to help us out? Every year the same questions. So this year I've decided not to ask them and just let the year happen to just live it with out trying to think out and plan out every asspect of our lives!!! Of course I tell myself that every year and still I worry and try to plan...Really though I'm really really going to try again!!!

I saw on the news today that one of the nations zoo's is selling a two headed rat snake on ebay...the bidding starts at 150,000.00$!!!! Thats right you read that right 150K! There's just so much wrong with that that i'm not going to even get into it...if you know me you'll know why. Thats all for now......Later...........................................