Hidden Feelings come out over silverwear..........

So last night I had an emotional breakdown over silverwear yes people silverwear! I was telling Chad that he had to be more careful about taking silverwear i.e. forks to work with he's lunch cause he's losing them. Let me catch you up a little..... a while ago I noticed that I was down to litterally 2 forks from the set we got when we got married. I asked Chad to look at work for them and he said their wasn't any there.....pretty soon I was low on spoons as well and the eneviable came that I'd have to purchase a new set a silverwear. My mom and I looked at some at like walmart and target but you'd have to buy two sets to get enough and they were like 50.00-60.00!! I couldn't do that so mom said she she if my Grandma had a set I could have. Now my grandma has been sick for sometime now she has healthcare providers come into her house to set with her and make her meals and to bath her she has deminsia and some other problems. So my mom got me a det that was hers that she wouldn't be needing and thats what we've been using for the last seven months or so. So flash forward to last night while I'm doing the dishes and I notice that once again I'm down to like four forks!! SO I tell Chad about it and tell him if I go out and buy a set he'll have to start taking plastic (like he was suppose to do anyway)...cause we can't afford to go out and spend 60+ dollars every couple of months cause he keeps losing or throwing away forks at work. He argues with me that they aren't that expensive...and all of a sudden I burst into tears and say, "They were my grandma's my grandma's and now their lost!!" I broke down into tears over silverwear they wern't fancy they weren't expensive they were just mu grandmother's. And then it hit me I'm having more of a hard time dealing with this than I thought. I brushed off the fact that I haven't been over to see her cause its so hard with the boys and being busy and all when really its becuase it makes me sad and I'm not sure how to deal with it....I can't even imagine what my mother is going through and feeling.

See the grandma I see now is not the grandma I remember. It's hard for me when she can't remember ever seeing the babies or having to ask Whos babies are those. Its not her fault but it doesn't make it any less hard. Even though my grandmother is still here on earth it feels like I lost her months ago its all very weird for me to wrap my mind around and to deal with. I lost my granfather when I was nine but still miss him...I cried when I had the twins cuase I knew he would of gotten a kick out of me having twin boys. And it's hard to deal with cuase sometimes grandma doesn't seem like she remembers them. When something happens in your life thats monumemtal like graduating getting married having kids you wish your family that has passed was there to see you do it, but you can comfort yourself by knowing they can see you from heaven. But my grandma is still here with us physically...but yet she can't BE there. I don't know if I'm making any sense but it feels good to write it all down...thanks for letting me use this entry as a way to try a cope. I'll see ya all later............