The Moment.....

We all have them. The moments that stick with you. Memories so vivid in your mind that you just know the events had to effect you and the way you are. You know either help or contribute to all our issues. We all have those too. Now as I view this blog here at times, like therapy, I'm going to share with you some of my "moments" or memories if you will. Most aren't pretty, maybe than those who think I have issues will understand from where I stand. I'm also not going to elaborate on some of them as I feel I'm not ready for that, and quite frankly I need to not share EVERYTHING about my so called life, it would serve to bore you I'm sure. That being said if you would like "more of the story" so to speak, on something email me.... Cause if what I've been through can help someone else who's going through it now cope, than it would almost make going through it worth it.... And maybe that was the purpose all along.

Moment 1: When I was around ten years old, I can remember very distinctly my grandmother telling me this in her living room while she was watching me: "Katie dear you really need to start watching your weight, you don't want to continue to be chubby. When you grow up men won't like you." I remember like it was yesterday, after she said that her phone rang and she got up to answer it, and in my little girl of ten mind, I thought to myself with such vengeful rage, "cause your real thin...not"
Thus I feel defined my life long body issues and eating issues.

Moment 2: Age 15 became extremely sick... Doctor's didn't know what was wrong finally was sent to a neurologist and they discovered I had FM. Most patients with it are ladies 40 and above. My junior year I was tutored at home so I could go to physical therapy and because physically I couldn't get through a day at school. Friends who I thought were close I discovered through this were not... Save for one, (you know who you are my now Florida girl.) Needless to say I missed out on most of the things normal high school kids did. I didn;t go to dances no prom, no parties no after school activities. It's effected my life in everyway, from working to school to family to my goals..... Its a bitch.

Moment 3: When I realized that there our BAD people out there... And men who think they can get away with anything cause their stronger than us...Or so they think. Or people who think because I'm young I'm stupid and can try and put one over on me cause I won't know what to do about it. So for those who say I'm a bit too sarcastic and cynical know that its my defense... I realize that know....And because people have had a hand in making me that way.....

Moment 4: A vague sketchy memory I think to be around age 3 or 4...... At a neighbors house..... When I think back on my childhood, which I had a great one really, there are two memories that pop up always... The lovey thing my grandma said to me and this vague memory, that I'd rather not go into detail on.... Cause I'm not sure at this point what it means.

Moment 5: The birth of my twins, one of the happiest and scariest days of my life!! Hearing them cry for the first time, and then watching them rushed away, not to see them for 24 hours.... Being in recovery having blood pressure problems myself, and having the recovery nurse tell me NICU just called and they had to resuscitate my babies, but that they got them stable and they're on ventilators, cause their lungs weren't mature yet...... Me not able to go to them, to see them to hug them... Me their MOTHER.... Not being with them for 24 hours!!! Then seeing them for the first time, they were the smallest little things I'd ever seen, and being able to hold them for the first time a few days after that.... With tubes and IV's and nurses all around them.... But they were fighting... Just like they're Momma.

Moment 6: The moment I decided to stand up for myself, to speak my mind and to not bend over for people any more..... March 5th 2006....My 24th birthday. And I'm happy to report, I have. And in a way its freed me.

Moment 7: When you realize that you are who you are, and not what people want you to be or think you should be. And just because you're not what they think you should be does not make you a crazy person in need of being medicated!! lol..... It took me a while to get there.

So there you have it.... There were many to chose from but those are the ones I went with.... We all have those "moments". Its what you do about them that matters..... You can let them define you and your life, or you can view them as just what they were, moments....Memories. And yes some of those moments changed the course of our lives but that's to be expected.... You can't map out the course yourself. For our lives can change with every breath we take, and its that one breath that matters.